In getting so many messages from the past…in present form…and wanting to let go of or resolve it…I got one last big one that put me over the top. My ex called. My Mr. Big. My person I’ve been trying to get over, my person I packed my infamous suitcase from in October. He called just to see what was up with the kids. His voice was so honest, and his sincerity in the call is what drove me to call him back. He was not calling to beg, cajole, cry, be angry, nothing. It was out of the blue and unexpected. Nothing but what his words were about. There was no insincerity to his voice. So I called him back.
We had a great conversation. After we hung up I thought that was nice. I thought I missed my best friend. I laughed like I haven’t laughed in a long time. I felt connected. I slept on that.
A couple days later I called him up to see what he was doing. I had taken myself out to dinner at my fave place and invited him to join me for a drink. He was in his car near the city, had just turned on his phone for his drive home and didn’t want to go home, and my message popped up. He came.
We had a wonderful evening together during which I GOT A CALLBACK FROM MY LAST AUDITION AND AM IN A NEW PLAY!!!!
It’s happening!!! I’m doing all the stuff I love!!! I am working over 50 hours a week between house cleaning and salon. The owner of the salon is giving me all the time off I ask for for rehearsals etc. Yesterday I was going to quit because the manager (whom everyone is unsettled by, whom is an ex addict, whom if anyone knows anything about ex addicts, she’s pretty cuckcoo and unprofessional and putting everyone off and is going to run all of this guys business into the ground, she can’t run the computer and takes 45 minutes to do a hair cut in a place that wants you to take 20, and never shuts up about her church.) she said – VIA A NOTE AT MY STATION DESPITE THE FACT I WORKED WITH HER IN LIVE HUMAN FORM THE DAY BEFORE – I could not have the two hours off I need for rehearsal even though I left a note in the back and everyone was fine with it…so I was calling the owner to quit. I have made a choice to do acting, it is a choice, I was hired by him knowing these schedule needs and I wanted only 20 hours to begin with and he has given me 30…so I was going to have to tell him this was not going to work. He switched the cards up and gave me what I wanted. So now this manager woman is only going to make my work environment even more hostile. We’ve been open a week. Everyone is so awesome there but her…I hope he opens his eyes. Every employee has spoken to him individually regarding uncomfortableness with her and her demeanor and they all see her trying to dig at me and have asked her to stop. It’s pretty crazy…but I’m not there enough to care. They are all working 50 hour weeks THERE…I pop in and out doing my 30 and I’m out.
I cannot run away from things anymore…I need to stand and face them and if no longer continuing them is the answer, that’s fine, but what I have come to learn is I was not taught this skill, I was taught to leave and NOT communicate a damn thing and just RUN…now it is time to learn. I have abandoned so much of my life, so many people in my life and that is the brain change I wanted to make. STAND.
If I ever opposed my mother she would quit talking to me as punishment. Even as a small kid. I’d be talking to her and she’d ignore me. She’s doing it right now and so when I am faced with standing up for myself I am afraid of complete and utter shut down and abandonment and so I just go away. no more. My boss giving me my hours after I spoke up about the problem was monumental.
soooooooooooooooooo – continuing with THAT…I see ex again and we have a come to jesus about me leaving. It was heart wrenching to say the least. He is broken and unclaimed and wandering and sad…but he is a strong person. The last ten months has taught him a lot. We cried and laughed and I told him how much I cannot deny the fact that I can’t see my life without him. I cannot picture my future without him in it. He is my best friend, no one makes me laugh like he does, no one is strong enough a man for the kind of woman I am, and when I see the future he is there. I left abruptly, felt isolated, felt in emergency mode because of my daughter and I never came back. He never got over the suddenness of it.
To make a long story short…we could see our faults in what had taken place and are willing to see if we can build something from here with the new brains we have acquired.
I am excited. I am in a brave new world.
I emailed my mother and sisters that I am sorry I am always leaving and pulling away and that this probably causes them to not trust me and I take full responsibility for this action and if they’d like to have a relationship I’d like to have one with them.
ONE person responded. My baby sister.
I have always stayed in touch with my brother…he is having a baby this coming year and I can’t ‘fix’ anything with the family, but I can change my behavior. If my mother and father want to continue to punish me…that’s their bag. I’m not harboring anything. I have moved on, FINALLY AND FOR REAL. It feels good.
This is life. This is accountability. This is being brave in the face of every single fear that exists in the human heart.
I told Boyfriend after he said he was scared to be vulnerable again that so was I but I want my face melted off, I want to catch everything on fire, I want to be struck by lightening despite my fears. I want it all. Every. Last. Drop.
I’m going for it.