Something that happened today pushed me over the edge.
My crazy neighbor, whom I wrote about in my last blog, is now someone I realize is drunk most of the time and who now just harasses me if he ever sees me outside alone. I’m sorry I said YES to this one thing. Sitting in his back yard and having drinks and talking to him.
I’ve since then been avoiding him as I do not need his negative energy in my vibe right now. Today when I left for work he yelled at me from his porch, (at 8 a.m.) ITS TOO BAD WHITE PEOPLE HAVE TO BE AFRAID OF BLACK PEOPLE!!!! (he’s black you see. And he’d rather use THAT card instead of owning up to his poor behavior.) Over and over he yelled this at me. Two minutes before this, while I’m getting ready for work and into my 50 hour week of my two jobs, my roommate bugged me again about moving my furniture so he can park in his garage by OCTOBER. My stuff is taking up about a 3×5 space while his ex girlfriend’s shit is taking up over half of the garage. She moved to another state over a year ago but he doesn’t want to be accountable for that.
Then, in re-reading this, I discovered, I am focusing on all the wrong stuff. What is really going on here is NOT THEM…ITS ME. I am being bombarded so I can learn from this. It’s my roommates garage, he can do what he wants…this is not about me…my problem is I have a preconceived notion about HOW I SHOULD BE TREATED BY THE ENTIRE WORLD. I mean, I always think, when things go awry, ‘How did I bring this on?’ And with this case, I did bring this on. No one is right or wrong here, but I did bring this into my life with some kind of vibration I am sending out. I totally agree with that. So now, it has left me to wonder what that VIBRATION is, so I can change it.
It’s not about THEM and ME. It’s about just me.
It’s about me learning what I need to learn in this lesson, this bombardment of relationships. I get that. It’s not about how I was wronged and how everyone is an idiot asshole. It’s about me moving on. It’s about me learning to not want to be right all the time, not wanting to ‘change’ others. Not wanting People To Act A Certain Way.
I get it.
Its about me letting go of the past so I can quit calling it forth into the present. Every one of these situations is a representation of the past. This letting go thing really REALLY needs to happen. I need to really REALLY do it. Drop it. So I can quit re-living it.
Thank you universe. Thank you annoying people. I need you so I can do this.
I need to learn that I can do this. On my own. I don’t need this condemnation, I don’t need this disbelief in me, I don’t need to rely on anyone to live my own life. Friends will help, jobs, connections…I don’t mean that. I mean ME. I CAN DO THIS. I need to believe I CAN DO THIS. That I am worth it.
THIS is what comes forth when you ask for change. The universe sends you things you need to learn. I need to learn this.