I am on a 90 day countdown here to deeply changing my life. I made the plans to fly to New York, and at the time, that was 90 days away. I wanted to give myself 90 days to really change some deeply ingrained habits. Was one of the things I wanted to change that being eating chocolate in bed? NO. Was trying not to feel deep, deep sadness in my heart all the time 24 HOURS A DAY one of the things I wanted to change? YES.
I just saw a lot of patterns popping up that weren’t necessarily there for any purpose. OR, the purpose they were there for, as I began to see, no longer served me, but had become such a reflex that I didn’t even think about it. So I decided to become aware. To pull myself out of the ditch I was stuck in. Truth be told, its a little beyond 90 days really as I first began to pull myself out last October when I packed that fucking suitcase and walked out. I still found myself falling back onto things which were no longer good for me.
So I knew that I’d have to change from the inside, not just on the outside or this would be just another dramatic move/shenanigan/train wreck caused by Judy and all for nothing. Especially a whole lot of nothing for me. I wanted a LIFE. Not just an/apartment/job/distraction, but a LIFE. It’s been hard to give up some of my safety nets. Even though they did nothing to help me. I’d love to be drunk/getting laid/packing my shit up AGAIN/fucking someone…oh wait, I said that…but I can’t RUN anymore.
I’ve gone camping alone, stayed at my friends place for a few days while she was gone and pretended it was rehab. I fucking learned how to crochet. (And loved it.) I had a come to Jesus with my damn self and the answer I got back when I begged him to tell me what to do was this: BE LOVE. Just…’BE LOVE’.
It changed everything.
I can’t live in fear anymore that I am not enough, that I won’t have enough, do enough, be enough, make enough, care enough, what ever it is, I can no longer live in this giant feeling of LACK that I have faced all my life. I dumped it.
So I am playing the great game of AS IF. When I feel sad I don’t have a boyfriend, I act as if I do. Like, I’ll be moping around that I have a weekend off and no one to play with and I’ll think: if I had a boyfriend what would I do right now? Well, it’s fun to cook with someone. So I cooked this ginormous meal of spanish rice and spicy chicken. It knocked my brain out of ‘poor me’ mode, I did something I love, and in my heart I was happy. It might sound dumb but its working.
When I start to go deep into the past and think of how mad I am at some ex boyfriend and relive the statements he made to me and I start to get all upset like he is telling that to me right then and there in my car on the highway…I snap myself out of it and immediately look around for something fantastic and sometimes its a fucking tree, or a flower or a bug or a cloud, but it works.
I pretend someone has their arms around me, I pretend I have four million dollars in the bank, I pretend I am going to England next fall, I pretend I am in a play after this one ends, I see it and feel it all and make it real in my brain. I am getting my passport, I am selling some of my shit to make money for these trips and to make room for more good things to come into my life. I don’t just pretend…but in my head, go through the motions of checking my bank balance online and seeing $4,000,000 in it. I see myself walking down a London street, I SEE and feel the food I will eat at lunch at an Indian restaurant while I’m there, I also let the things that are actually taking place before me SINK IN. I am grateful for people and places and cleaning jobs and smiles and an audience and friends and showers and emails and my bed and my food. It’s amazing.
What’s really amazing is how quickly my brain wants to go to shitsville and how often I have to bail it out. It’s quite astounding really as I think most people live like this; like ghosts of the world just being inside the fog of the mean voice in their head all the time.
I’ve read so many books that have led me here, seen all the movies, but I decided to do it, all of it, for reals. I have nothing to lose.
What in the Bleep Do We Know?
A New Earth
Excuse Me Your Life is Waiting (my fave)
and many, MANY, MANY MORE over the last 30 years. It’s all culminating RIGHT NOW in a big stew in my brain.
I’ve highlighted them, dog eared them, written statements on my mirror in magic marker I read from them, experienced deep, deep meditation and peace from exercises from them, I listen to guided healing meditation and deep relaxation music every night and sometimes while I’m cleaning. I started drawing again, giving things away, letting things and people in, hugging more, waving at strangers, being nice to my roommates…my whole world is different.
Everyone is my boyfriend. The guy at the pizza place, my boss, the guy crossing the street, I am pretending I love everyone. Because don’t you notice that when you are in love, the whole world wants a piece of you? You are always the most beautiful woman in the room? It’s like you are the bug light and bugs all over the planet cannot kill themselves fast enough to be close to you. Like you get a boyfriend and 8 guys ask you out and you think – where were all these guys the last six years???? It’s because you are happy and people like HAPPY. They want some. Our store (Super Cuts) isn’t even open yet and I already have the pizza guy from next door wanting a hair cut from me. Because I walked into the place like it was the best place to be ever. I just needed a spoon, that’s why I went over there. But I said HI! I’m Judy how are you? I’m from next door and I was wondering if I could come in here and grab a spoon from you guys for now even though its beautiful in here and I can hardly wait to try your pizza!!’ http://www.livebasilpizza.com/ (It really is amazing in there.)
I met everyone there behind the counter just for that. He gave me a silver spoon after he cleaned it off. I just wanted a spoon to eat my dumb jello pudding with that I brought for my DINNER. IT GOT TURNED INTO AN AWESOME MOMENT.
So I don’t need to go to New York to live like this. I’m going to live like this NOW.