Feeling very much as though I don’t exist. I am sick of the ‘happiness’ metaphors…trying to find it in everything. I cannot today. The choice my family has made to disclude me hurts more than I care to admit, however I cannot chase down love in this manner. My only course of action is to accept it; and therein lies the trick to being human.
With my daughter in NY and me not being a ‘mom’ in the way that I would like; I am not there helping her with her new apartment or guiding her except from 3000 miles away, or even with my son who is asserting his independence, I feel very useless. I do not have a home or a job that purports me any kind of thriving. All I have concluded today is that all I have as a course of action is ‘waiting’ Waiting to see what happens.
That is the game of life isn’t it?
I’ve put so much in motion, I am tired. I am not inspired to do any more than what I have laid out before me as of recently. I went to a friend’s party last night and it was fun. I make many people laugh, but when I am alone, I am so alone. The only thing I am doing differently is not ‘filling the hole’ of loneliness with any empty relationships. Who is in my life right now with love and support is who gains mine. That’s all I can do.
I am watching movies all day, staying home, to save money and keep all I have for what I need. My hole is whistling with so much wind. That sounds wrong but I don’t know another way to put it. It makes me think of the Paul Simon song ‘Graceland’ from the album of the same name.
‘Losing love is like a window in your heart.
Everybody see’s your blown apart
Everybody sees the wind blow.’
Funny, in researching the album released over 20 years ago – I find this:
‘To have Simon’s songs mingling with mbaqanga, township jive, shangaan music, zydeco and chicano rock, all played by their real practitioners, complemented the themes of dislocation, misplaced identity, and the meeting of worlds.’
I feel misplaced, dislocated. This album has always been my favorite of all music, of anything released, it is perfect, it says so much, there is tears timeless joy and sorrow in this album. He walked passed the ban on South Africa and caused much turmoil within the boycott of the country regarding Apartheid. He was quoted as saying: “Personally, I feel I’m with the musicians,” he said. “I’m with the artists. I didn’t ask the permission of the ANC. I didn’t ask permission of Buthelezi, or Desmond Tutu, or the Pretoria government. And to tell you the truth, I have a feeling that when there are radical transfers of power on either the left or the right, the artists always get screwed. The guys with the guns say, ‘This is important’, and the guys with guitars don’t have a chance.“
So by no means am I comparing myself to any countries pain…just ironic how when I looked this up today, that this was the info I found. Funny how it popped into my head today. Songs from Graceland often pop into my head. Also funny that it was released in 1986…when I first left home. And that’s what music, words, poetry and creativity is about, expression, and others feeling it in their own souls in their own corners of the world.