It’s late. I’m tired. I had two bloody mary’s today with a neighbor/friend/client. I cut her and her son’s hair. He and I are total soul mates…he’s 11. We have so much in common. Me and the kid. She and I needed and totally enjoyed our girl time though when the boy’s (husband and son) left. ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
I got my bike all fixed up yesterday…not cheap…but worth it. I am sick of paying for parking and for getting parking tickets. I get some exercise, some air and its fun. I rode around the city in my Blondie T shirt in my pretend 20′s (age I am in my brain) and even told this chick to fuck off who gave me attitude for no damn reason. I mean really? She called me ‘real smart.’ She had a fucking basket on her bike anyway and was wearing a sun hat. I have my way overpowered mountain bike and messenger bag and backwards hat. Fuck her. Besides…I can do sweet jumps. And I’m sick of being nice to everyone and making up excuses for them. It felt good. She said what she felt…I did too.
I wanted to go to a comedy show tonight, but I have my eyes on the prize and stayed home. Instead I was civil to my roommate, and had a great conversation with my son on the phone.
ON THE DRAMATIC ARTS FRONT:
Daughter found apartment today. Broke up with BF yesterday. HIS MOTHER POSTED NASTY SHIT ON HER FACEBOOK. Really? I hate people. Being sober (for the most part) brings out waaaaaaaaaaaaaaay too much reality in people. My daughter told me he came out to visit and she knew it was over. He burped over and over while introducing him to her friends, and just wanted to stay in bed the whole time he was there. She left him there and went out. She told him she wasn’t coming back home and that she has changed. He cried for 40 minutes on her dorm room floor.
Very sad. I feel for him and this was AWFUL!! But the girl is making her path. Can’t fault her for that. I can’t tell you how amazingly happy she looks and is literally glowing. I have not seen this much life in her for SO LONG!!! I miss her so much, my heart feels broken almost, but I do not want her coming back here and falling in with the dregs who were her friends. She is with people with spirit and ambition and LIFE and she see’s that now. Crystal CLEAR. She said she wanted to get high and not eat as soon as she saw him and that he wouldn’t eat while he was there. The whole time. SCARY. I want her to keep doing what she is doing. She is bold and honest and she will find her way in this.
I’m going to try and co-sign for her…my credit is MONKEYASS but, we’ll see. This way, I’ll have an apartment in NEW YORK right? A girl can try. She needs to do this. Her face and her voice are so incredible right now. She’s not coming back to where she was. Not if I can help it. If she doesn’t get this place…there will be another…but it would be so cool!!
I’ve realized something. My standards have been low. I’ve been picturing her in shitholes like I’ve lived in and being all worried for her. And I realized that some people just automatically set their standards higher. They are JUST UP THERE. They just KNOW IT. Of course she found this place. THAT IS HER STANDARD. I get to change my standards. It’s okay to want GOOD AND WONDERFUL and okay to expect this good and wonderful to happen.
I’ve been listening to guided meditations and changing the words around a bit in my own head to things like…”You see a temple…you walk towards the temple…you see a family on the shore nearby …they have a screaming baby and stupid dog that runs up to you…you kick the dog away and throw sand in the baby’s face…the people pack up and leave…you enter the temple…breathe…see the pool boy and call him over…” It’s messed up. But fun.
Here’s the pool boy in my guided meditation…
Here’s the pool boy that shows up in my real life:
Gotta change those standards girl.
Workin’ on it one day at a time.