A Barbie World

That BARBIE song is stuck in my head.  I’m not sure its relative to what I feel like saying, but sometimes the title and the subject flow together and meet in the middle somehow.  I had a day of self doubt.  Not so much sad, or ‘down’ as it was actually encouraging with the Happy FunTime blog going well, and peeps in the city responding and sending me kudos and links and invites to things to write about, and I stayed in my jammies til 4; that’s always good.  I had also spent the night watching a movie in my jammies with my Man…(I can say that now. hehe) and he made dinner.  All wonderful stuff.

I’m just baffled at how I can be so creative, so smart, so resourceful and so FUCKING BROKE.  Why can’t I take all this energy and harness it into something that can afford me to feed my kids/self/friends/buy things/fix car/help people with??????????????????  GAWD.

I love doing hair – but that career change at 40 fucked me over so hard.  I’ve never been so broke in my life.  I had two hair cuts today…we had 12 people come in the door.  This business depends on others.  THEY HAVE TO COME.  Build it…who the fuck cares?  I HATE THAT MOVIE.

“I should have gone to law/medical/veterinary/web design/anything school.  Anything but BEAUTY SCHOOL.”  Played all day long in my head.  I quit this job all the time because I always end up not being able to live off of so little a month, so I always figure ‘what have I got to lose?’ I shoot myself in the foot a lot by quitting to find something that pays better.  I want to build my own thing…but people still have to come, no matter what THAT THING is.  Should I go to business school? Fuck no.

Another loan?  hahahahahahahahaha I will DIE owing money on THIS loan.  And my EX co-signed on the dang thing – AND I called today about getting him off my back the loan and he can NEVER GET OFF BECAUSE I WAS LATE, ONCE, in 2010. (Can’t be over 90 days late for the LIFE OF THE LOAN.) I almost jumped out of my car into oncoming traffic.

Then I proceeded to make about $12 dollars at work today.  (That’s including comish and tips.)

THEN I decided to see what I could do to help my daughter with getting a car. My EX has TWO cars sitting in his driveway that need work.  I have a brother THAT WORKS ON CARS FOR A LIVING.  Made some calls to my brother and he said to get one of these cars to his garage.  I texted EX to see if one of the cars even runs and to see if we need to tow it or what…he said ‘IT’S NOT YOUR CAR STAY AWAY FROM MY HOUSE’ among other nasty things.  So I told him to fuck off.  He just bawled me out two days ago about ‘never helping’.

Getting off that ‘high road’, and deciding to quit the mindset of always trying to do the ‘right thing’, was the best thing I ever did.  I’d much rather laugh with the sinners than cry with the saints.  Telling him to fuck off was glorious.

I told my daughter I would do what I could to help her with her car situation but that she would have to take some initiative.  SHE wrecked her car, SHE has be be accountable for working towards fixing it.  I told her I love her, I will help but that her dad was being a prick about the most obvious and easy way to fix the car and that I wasn’t going to involve myself with him any longer.

THEN:  The thought of her graduation came up.  Its May 23rd.

I will talk to MY DAUGHTER and see what SHE wants in way of a party, or if she even wants a party, or whatever the heck SHE wants to do.  I want to support her and her alone.  I’ve tried SO HARD to not be that couple…that divorced couple that can’t be in the same room.  I think nearly 20 years is a damn good try.  My life is just happier when I am nowhere near him.

You see, my parents will be there too, and I’ve spent 30 years on the ‘high road’ with them also and not letting them ‘get to me’.   I gotta tell ya, I can’t take it any more.  I don’t want to be around them in any way, shape or form. Not to mention other past people I don’t want to be around whom EX will invite, whom also had no problems treating me like I’m a moron.  I don’t need the toxic energy they provide, and its no big WHOOP if I bow out.

I told my daughter I will probably leave the party and quietly sneak away, knowing she and I are all GOOD. I plan on sitting alone too at graduation because I’d like to enjoy it inside my own experience of it.  Her graduation is at my favorite place in the whole world where I go to run stairs and work out btw.  (Please click on link, its so effing awesome there…and there’s me below…at this amazing place.  And I graduated there too and have grown up going to this place.) I don’t care what anyone but SHE thinks.  If she’s cool with that, I’m cool.

If I brought Mother Teresa back from the dead to go to graduation with me, and mother Teresa and I bought a gold plated Rolls Royce for my daughter, I’d still be an idiot in these people’s eyes.  SO – I will do WHAT I AM COMFORTABLE WITH and no one else matters.

She said she was fine and dandy with all that.

I am done trying to be congenial, and good enough, and I’m done ‘trying to get along’ with all of these people who treat me so awful.  It’s astounding how long I have put up with it.  I told EX I will do what I want with my own daughter and it is none of his business and that I no longer need to talk to him about anything under the sun.  (Did I mention we got DIVORCED 16 YEARS AGO?) I made a joke then…and he said: ‘That’s nice.  U R funny now.’

I said: ’I'm here every night folks!  Try the veal!  Tip your waitstaff…I’m done with you.’

wow.  I feel like I got my wings.

OMG, I went to google images of ‘angels with dirty wings’ and found this:

ANGELS WITH DIRTY WINGS

even better.

Go fly kids.  If you can’t fly, JUMP.