So much of me wants to come in here and so much of me wants to stay away. So much of my life is so amazing and so much of me is sad at the same time. How do you WAKE UP CRYING??? Such vivid dreams. I am working so hard on being positive and letting the past fucking LEAVE ALREADY. I keep telling myself its all ego. Shut the fuck up. Leave it. Go on. Keep going. Stop thinking. Today I just let the dam burst. I can’t stop crying.
Yesterday I was off and spent the day with my daughter.
Last night I went and saw my son perform at the Comedy Works with my date.
I drove my son home and my date went home and it was cool that we have a relationship like that where we have lives of our own and no one is pee pee hurt the other one has a life. He was tired, he rode his bike, I drove, I took my son home. Super cool. So on the drive I was telling my son about how his dad decided to text me the day before and call me and tell me what a loser I am and what a big disappointment I am to all my family and friends. He got upset. He didn’t want to hear it.
ya know what>>??? NEITHER DO I. Maybe I shouldn’t have brought it up. I have no one else to talk to about it who knows the people in the story so well. Its no one’s biz at work, and that’s the LAST PLACE I WANT TO TALK ABOUT MY LIFE. I HATE THAT PLACE. My daughter took it very glib as it was just a conversation to us. He yelled at her too that day about her smoking, I told her how I handled it and she told me how she handles it and we went on with our day. My son practically jumped out of the car. I can’t win with him.
I wanted to tell him because the resolve of the story I thought was funny.
I wanted to end all the anger that had been brought up because he felt so inclined in telling me how much I suck OUT OF NOWHERE. I was sharing with Dating Guy because I felt sometimes like taking the high road feels like I am not standing up for myself and it gets old. So Dating Guy suggested I use sarcasm, and show that he does not push my buttons and that sometimes a well placed line might change everything.
I said to ex in a text: So I guess I will not be counting on your vote for my nomination for Mom of the Year this year?
Ex said: There is still time. All votes have not been cast. I know you love the kids and they love you very much and that says a lot.
I thought it was cool how I thought I would be a smart ass, but then it changed the note of our whole energy. Essentially it worked.
no big deal.
He’s an ass to me – we’ve been divorced 16 effing years. Why he feels the need to tell me what a loser I am is ridiculous. I hang up and ignore him…great. But he still does it. All I can do is control HOW I DEAL WITH IT. done.
So I do that. And I do it, and do it, and do it, and do it – til one day I pack a fucking suit case and leave my life and start a new one. I have never done this before. Oh, I’ve moved and left jobs and men before, but not like this. Not for the sole purpose of saving my own fucking life.
So here I am with my books and my life in a city that I love that I have always wanted to live in, doing things I love and laughing and being loved and finding this self that I wanted to save.
I don’t have a goal. I don’t have savings. I don’t have an idea of what I am working towards. So I just go to work 20 miles away to a place I hate because it is the reason I can pay for this place I am living and for the food I need and it affords me being able to go out and see kids, see friends, have fun.
Should I have a goal? What if that paragraph above this one IS IT?? So I can do what I love and save my life.
Damn. Thank you blog/laptop/writing/self expression.
I miss so much being around my kids but in the giant scope of things, my life is not awful.
In being 46 a lot has been sacrificed, learned, left behind, scarred me, tore me up, built me up, lessons have been learned, new ones arrive un-announced, sometimes I cry.
Can that be it?
What would my life be like if I just quit worrying about doing everything RIGHT?
What if I just DID. STUFF. LIVED. JUST DID EVERYTHING HOW I DO IT AND DID NOT CONCERN MYSELF WITH IF I WAS DOING IT RIGHT OR NOT?
I think I will just keep crying and going to work and saving my own life. I’m going to try it today.