So much of me wants to come in here and so much of me wants to stay away. So much of my life is so amazing and so much of me is sad at the same time. How do you WAKE UP CRYING??? Such vivid dreams. I am working so hard on being positive and letting the past fucking LEAVE ALREADY. I keep telling myself its all ego. Shut the fuck up. Leave it. Go on. Keep going. Stop thinking. Today I just let the dam burst. I can’t stop crying.
Yesterday I was off and spent the day with my daughter.
Last night I went and saw my son perform at the Comedy Works with my date.
I drove my son home and my date went home and it was cool that we have a relationship like that where we have lives of our own and no one is pee pee hurt the other one has a life. He was tired, he rode his bike, I drove, I took my son home. Super cool. So on the drive I was telling my son about how his dad decided to text me the day before and call me and tell me what a loser I am and what a big disappointment I am to all my family and friends. He got upset. He didn’t want to hear it.
ya know what>>??? NEITHER DO I. Maybe I shouldn’t have brought it up. I have no one else to talk to about it who knows the people in the story so well. Its no one’s biz at work, and that’s the LAST PLACE I WANT TO TALK ABOUT MY LIFE. I HATE THAT PLACE. My daughter took it very glib as it was just a conversation to us. He yelled at her too that day about her smoking, I told her how I handled it and she told me how she handles it and we went on with our day. My son practically jumped out of the car. I can’t win with him.
I wanted to tell him because the resolve of the story I thought was funny.
I wanted to end all the anger that had been brought up because he felt so inclined in telling me how much I suck OUT OF NOWHERE. I was sharing with Dating Guy because I felt sometimes like taking the high road feels like I am not standing up for myself and it gets old. So Dating Guy suggested I use sarcasm, and show that he does not push my buttons and that sometimes a well placed line might change everything.
I said to ex in a text: So I guess I will not be counting on your vote for my nomination for Mom of the Year this year?
Ex said: There is still time. All votes have not been cast. I know you love the kids and they love you very much and that says a lot.
I thought it was cool how I thought I would be a smart ass, but then it changed the note of our whole energy. Essentially it worked.
no big deal.
He’s an ass to me – we’ve been divorced 16 effing years. Why he feels the need to tell me what a loser I am is ridiculous. I hang up and ignore him…great. But he still does it. All I can do is control HOW I DEAL WITH IT. done.
So I do that. And I do it, and do it, and do it, and do it – til one day I pack a fucking suit case and leave my life and start a new one. I have never done this before. Oh, I’ve moved and left jobs and men before, but not like this. Not for the sole purpose of saving my own fucking life.
So here I am with my books and my life in a city that I love that I have always wanted to live in, doing things I love and laughing and being loved and finding this self that I wanted to save.
Crying.
I don’t have a goal. I don’t have savings. I don’t have an idea of what I am working towards. So I just go to work 20 miles away to a place I hate because it is the reason I can pay for this place I am living and for the food I need and it affords me being able to go out and see kids, see friends, have fun.
Should I have a goal? What if that paragraph above this one IS IT?? So I can do what I love and save my life.
Damn. Thank you blog/laptop/writing/self expression.
I miss so much being around my kids but in the giant scope of things, my life is not awful.
In being 46 a lot has been sacrificed, learned, left behind, scarred me, tore me up, built me up, lessons have been learned, new ones arrive un-announced, sometimes I cry.
Can that be it?
What would my life be like if I just quit worrying about doing everything RIGHT?
What if I just DID. STUFF. LIVED. JUST DID EVERYTHING HOW I DO IT AND DID NOT CONCERN MYSELF WITH IF I WAS DOING IT RIGHT OR NOT?
hmmmmmm.
Thanks blogoshpere.
I think I will just keep crying and going to work and saving my own life. I’m going to try it today.
Good day.
Believe it or not someone JUST told me that they woke up crying this morning, too! It feels like there’s a black cloud hovering over everyone I know right now. I’m sorry that you have a build up of tears and that they flooded out when your defenses were down. That tells me how wound up you are during your waking hours. I wish I could just tuck you in bed and soothe you to sleep – wash your worries away and all that good stuff. Judy, I know the feeling of wanting to unplug your head from the rest of your body – anything to get rid of all those icky memories from the past. I know. It’s so draining.
Just please know this — there is nothing that makes you a loser, yesterday, today or tomorrow. You are loved. You’re doing the best you can on a difficult journey and don’t need anyone to judge you or punish you for your efforts. Just keep moving forward and be kind to yourself in thought and actions. If something negative gets in your head, get rid of it, don’t let it fester. It’s a false message and it will bog you down, make you question yourself, and keep you stuck. You’re better than that. Pay no attention. Keep moving forward.
Strong people collapse every now and then. I know. I’m one of them. You’ve been carrying around a lot of heavy stuff for a long time, Judy. It’s okay to fall apart for little moments as long as you can pick yourself back up. Someday soon, maybe you’ll be able to let it all go and finally be free of all these burdens, and just relax. I’ll keep you in my prayers. xoxoxo
Thinking of you…
Lisa
Oh my gosh. Thank you so much!! Now I’m really bawling!! hahahahaha. Your words mean a lot to me, and I will probably read them a lot today. : ) Funny how someone else you know woke up crying! weird. And I listen to meditation tapes at night…it does wonders…so I’m not really going to bed all wound up. Its pressing on that is doing it I guess. Into the unknown…just some days I can’t press so hard I guess!! Today is one of those days. Thanks for the kind words and the encouragement and the cyber love!!!! Sending you a big hug!!
I sense when someone sturdy like you, needs a hug. The tears probably just come out in those little moments when they can. Sometimes I’ll just be driving down the road and then all of a sudden, I start crying. We try and keep it together so much that we don’t leave any room to fall apart and be vulnerable. The bad days come and go. As long as we have people in our life who love us, all is well. “Pressing on…” that term makes me sad. It’s brave and strong.
Your day will come, Judy. It will. I know it. After that, no more pressing on — just living. xoxox
(((Hugs))) xoxox
I can’t say anything better than this, and I read your comment as if to me as well Lisa – thank you
hugs to both of you
Lisa is a little angel here!! She flies in and brings chocolate and wine… and thanks for the hugs friend!
you are most welcome
Love you, guys!!!
Isn’t that so true??? How the tears just come sometimes? Its just a relief, its not always from sadness or an actual emotion. hugs right back to you!!! Off to work to make my $50…hahahahahaha!!! NO joke. cya!!!!
I clicked “like” not because you’re crying, or because your son snapped at you, but because you’re doing more than just presing on, or trying to save yourself.
As someone who only knows you through the sphere, the picture I have is limited, but it also shows how far you’ve come so fast.
There’s nothing I can do for you except be supportive, and come around for the rough tales in addition to the good ones.
Because you rock, speedo.
(And I agree with everything Lisa said too.)
(And this is probably the most formal comment I’ve ever left.)
(Should have told a personal story and related it to this.)
(Maybe the one where I stuffed a pickle in my nose in exchange for the guys covering my breakfast taht one morning.)
(But count yourself lucky – I can’t think of any way to relate that story to anything.)
(Except maybe “don’t go out drinking all night, then head to breakfast wtih no money”.)
(Good night though…)
(Even if it doesn’t apply here.)
(Just keep it in mind for next time…)
(Anyway, I’ll go babble elsewhere now…)
*strolls away, whistling*
I loves ya Guap!! You can tell me the pickle in the nose story anytime. Your comment here means a lot to me… so much so I read it while driving. I take you guys everywhere with me. Thanks for the encouragement. I super super needed it today. You are loved!!
One minute at a time, through the pain and the joy, the meaning and the lack thereof. You’re doing it. Good! xoxoM
Good point and thank you for stopping in!! Here’s to 1 minu!te at a time girl!! Cheers
Yaayyy! xoxoM
Hang in there sweets…as my boss would say ‘you are exactly where you are meant to be’…this too shall pass xx
Ahhhh…I keep forgetting that. So easy to get caught up in the moment…thank you!!
Only natural mon ami, when we’re low we can’t see the light..
Keep hanging on – we’re here for you!
Thank you so much rutabaga!! Believe me this blog and you friends are on my mind quite a lot… I appreciate it so!
Clicking like for support as well. And well Lisa said it all so well and so much more eloquently than I ever could or will– she rocks it, eh?
Be well Speedo Lady– I am rooting for you and tell that douchebag ex to cut the crap. ( see– not so eloquently) Y
Thank you so much!!! ‘Cut the crap’ simple line. Concise and to the point. Love it! I will use it probably sooner rather than later. Cheers my friend. Xxxooo
Some days, you’re meant to cry. Others, you’re meant to laugh it all off and tell those who annoy you where to get off. Your ex-husband however does rather need to get a life. Maybe the reason he’s so unpleasant is because he’s never really gotten over you?
Julian of Norwich in her visions was told that “all will be well, and all is being made well, and all is well” or words to that effect. It’s really rather true.
Thanks Faith!! And on the exhusband thing…I think too there is some kind of emotional attachment there…most anger comes from fear, and where that comes from from HIM in attachment to me…??? Well who knows. But I have thought of that. All was made well. thank you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A good cry never hurt anyone.
Keep fighting.