Remnants

Lately, I am unsure of things.  I know it is just a remnant of past ways of doing things; like an old tape, an old habit.  We are trained in certain ways of thinking.   This post from A Gripping Life ROCKED MY WORLD.  It, like many things I am discovering now, made me feel less crazy.  (Picture scene from Goodwill Hunting…’its not your fault, its not your fault’)  Which is always good.  Lisa listed things we fear due to closed family systems:

Those of us who grew up in dysfunction and closed family systems often fear…

Judgment

Criticism

Ridicule and put downs

The feeling of not being good enough

Unspoken and covert rules

Complaints

Rejection

Abandonment

Other people’s expectations

Making mistakes or having accidents (no forgiveness)

Comparisons

Threats

Aggressive behavior

Unpredictable or unstable behavior

Unhealthy / inappropriate boundaries (a feeling that your self does not belong to you)

My life with this family was riddled with ALL OF THE ABOVE.  I’m tellin ya, as a kid, you learn to ‘read the room’.  Walk in to a room and be able to tell what is going on so you are not ridiculed, or judged, or picked on or cut down or eaten alive.  If you didn’t read the room correctly and become the chameleon of whatever the FUCK was going on in there, and if you didn’t play it correctly, you were EFFED ROYALLY.  Mom sad today?  Better not be a bad kid.  Mom mad today?  Better stay out of her way.  Mom happy today, better be prepared for ANYTHING, especially the rug being pulled out.  There were no boundaries, much criticism, so many comparisons and endless abandonment.  wow.

Anyhoo…nuff said about past bull shit. What I am doing today, is being unsure of myself and wondering if it is just from constantly always being in fear.

Have I made my life so, so hard and changed so much so, so that I never have stability and when I do, it doesn’t feel right?  Is that what I’ve done? What is stability?  Money? A man?  A job?  All of which can disappear in an instant. I have made sure that instant never catches me.  I leave them all first.

I must defend that I have left men who were physically hurting me, mentally abusing me, always after seeing I have fallen into a place where I’ve left myself behind, woken up, seen where I am, and left.  Its like I’m a big heart breaker, but its me who’s broken.  I’ve been broken down into dust inside of this shitty relationship I am in, and like beaming myself up on Star Trek, I gather myself and leave.  I start over.  That’s what I do. But must I choose so poorly each and every time?  sheezus. Done with that.

This is the biggest starting over I’ve ever done.

I did it alone.  By myself.  No man is helping me.  No family is filling me with fear.  I walked this unknown path by myself and OZ showed up.  It showed up in this blogosphere, new friends and new opportunities.  Its like the universe said ‘FINALLY!!!  WE KNEW YOU COULD DO IT!! HERE LET US HELP YOU!!’

I have a job with a paycheck.  Stability.  I am creating a budget.  I am planning for the future.  I have a place to live that is mine. No man is paying me child support, my bills, needling me, telling me to be more, no job has become my dysfunctional family unit that I normally find to replace the one I left.  These things are new to me; so I want to bolt. I met someone who is happy in his own life and has created his own life as well.  I want to curl up with him.  I can see where I let things go because I get tired.  I want him to stay wonderful. I want to be wonderful.

I cannot get tired.

This tiredness is really a self doubt of sorts.  I see where if I stay really busy and distracted too, I don’t have to focus on the uncomfortable of ‘new’.

Lisa then added a new list, one that counteracts the previous list. -

Freedom to be your authentic self without judgment

Freedom to express your real feelings without consequence

Freedom to set your boundaries – to say “no thanks”

Freedom to change your mind

Freedom to practice self-care

Freedom to make mistakes and be forgiven

Receiving and giving unconditional love

Total acceptance, understanding, compassion, and sensitivity

-  I jumped up and down when I read this.

I am doing these things.

My self doubt is just a time waster.  Its an old ghost.  An old ghost who is bored because I don’t play with it anymore.  Its just trying to bug me and get it to buy it candy at the store like a child nagging you and nagging you who gets louder and louder in line because they think you will give in because the other people in line are sick of hearing this kid bug you.  I never gave in to that and I’m certainly not doing it now.

But I noticed it.  It has made me cry.  It is nagging at me and I am fighting it.

I signed up for an improv workshop ANYWAY.

I performed in a show ANYWAY.

I go to work ANYWAY.

I go to bed early ANYWAY.

I kiss this man ANYWAY.

I fill my heart ANYWAY.

All of which is fading the ghost more and more and more.

All of these things are just EGO.  Ego wants to win.  Ego wants you to be full of fear. Ego is the evil ghost.

Thank you Lisa and thank you world.  I will ALWAYS jump on beds, I will ALWAYS wear helmets to places they are not required, I will ALWAYS laugh loud at inappropriate jokes, I will ALWAYS go for the physical joke, I will ALWAYS kiss. ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS…no one can ever change that.