This online and/or WHOLE DATING scene sucks. I am asked way to often for pics of my BODY. Yeah, these tits are amazing…SUCK IT YOU WILL NEVER SEE THEM. I have way too many standards to do this entire process. There is no conversation. They just want ‘body shots’. My friend said I was mean…she goes and meets the DICK PICTURE sending GUYS – I’ll take mean. I can’t do it. I’m throwin in the towel…these guys are in some sort of meager way or transitional thing or trying to be immortal through their cocks. They want to be pen pals, or teenage text buddies or jack off to my pic but never meet me. MARRIED. That’s what that means. I will send a conversationally light email about me and my life, its funny, there is a lot of info there…and I get back: ’DO YOU HAVE A PIC OF YOUR BODY?’ Being an actress, I have so many pics of me, on stage, in costume, being funny, being pretty, but they are not worth how vulnerable I feel when I open up to this and send them. They are so afraid of the dreaded FAT CHICK too by the way…fuck them. I have men all over the city jacking off to my NOT FAT pics. It is disgusting. I can’t do it anymore. I gave it my best. I am pulling my dance card.
I am too smart for this whole thing; for what is offered up here anyway. I can’t shut off my radar or bullshit meter and so therefor, I cannot do this. It is required that you shut down all senses to what is real in the world and what your standards are and I cannot do that. What happened to actual DATING????? I’m still seeing one dude…that’s fine, he gets this whole thing and we have had many a conversation about dating in general. He is very intelligent, hot, smart, funny and way too young for me, but we are DATING and enjoying each other’s company for what it is worth and are honest and real about what is going on. Its fun. That’s what is going on. We have fun with each other. He came over the other night and we watched ‘Manhattan’. Perfect.
I really can’t pinpoint what it is I can’t tolerate that others are tolerating. I am not better than them, many people have met many cool people online, and/or in bars. I want too much. I want them to be honest and like who they are AND like me. I can’t find that combo and I’m not willing to bend down to get the scraps of it just to find a date. This process is almost treated like a cold, civil union, and I want organic lust. It ain’t happenin.
I realized the other day my mother did not teach me how to do anything but FIND A MAN. I was only encouraged to GET MARRIED. That is it. She did not teach me how to cook, clean, (which is helpful in the Wifedom arena btw.) or how to be kind to others, show love and compassion. nothing. I have learned this myself, and by people being kind and compassionate to me, mostly when I was clueless and being an asshole. She did not show me how to bring flowers to a sick friend, or pitch in when someone is down or how to be kind. GET A MAN. That’s it. So maybe I’m resenting this whole process and finally rejecting it.
I want to be a good friend, a helping hand, a strong mother to MY own daughter, I want to open up in so many other areas of my life. NOT this one. PRINCE CHARMING ISN’T COMING. I’m getting over it. And you’d think with my mom in the throes of this MAN idea, that she would have found herself a sugar daddy. THAT would have been good advice at least. But no, I grew up on the duct taped together suburban last legs of the lower middle class where I learned constant desperation and victimization is how you get what you want.
I always felt like I was adopted.
I was reading about the Modern Family actress and how her mom is abusive and how the courts are going to force everyone into counseling to ‘resolve’ the ‘relationship issues’. Sometimes we just get SHITTY MOMS who pop out kids and don’t do much after. My mother always resented my existence and made it very clear to everyone. Why can’t they just let this girl ‘divorce’ her parents who do nothing good for her? Why can’t she decide that? Sometimes there is no resolve. She is obviously successful and beautiful and amazing without these people. So sad. She’s so effing funny on that show too. Sometimes we are strong enough to go it on our own. I am who I am DESPITE my mom. I am proud of who I am, I am glad I no longer subject myself to the family of origin who’s doorstep I was left on.
Life is an amazing journey. Whether you like it or not… : )
Find the people who think you are fucking magical and leave the rest.
Oh and here’s my pic for any more pics I get asked to send…its me in the shower…