Yes. I spelled come the nasty way. Wow. I leave for a few days and what happens?? I start a new job, work a 12 hour shift, re-unite with someone as free as I am who stays free just as I’d like to be, I start up a romance with a Canadian in China, go on a date with a 28 year old engineer who knows what he wants, who doesn’t mind my meager FUTON ON THE FLOOR way of life which is the COMPLETE opposite of his very planned out, very structured and engineered life. I am like Charlize Theron in the movie ‘Sweet November’ where she takes these men and reminds them about life. I am THAT girl. The super fun girl who is not anything like they’ve ever met.
I don’t mind being that girl because I AM that girl and I am in constant reminder of my own beingness and how fleeting everything is. The only drawback is it somehow doesn’t stick. Somehow the men want to control this thing that they so loved before in me, that they now want to squash and/or contain once I become sort of bonded to them. The trick is to not bond, to stay free. To be loved just like I am and not like I belong to them. This trick I am learning to do in my new found freedom.
I like bringing out the best in people. Its my job for one thing. I had a guy in my chair the other day whose energy was just so heavy. I told him ‘You are sad and angry.’ He said his friend was just shot and the funeral was Monday. He was about 22 maybe. He was so torn up by touching him I felt how. I do this. Most of all I do it to myself. I need to keep steering the boat.
My daughter was being so victimy and everyone is so afraid to talk to her. I kinda verbally slapped her across the face. I told her there is no one to blame, she just is where she is right now and she won’t just face it. Her pain is not unique to the world. Her struggles not so powerful no one can comprehend. She needs to snap out of it and take some actions and really focus on why she is doing some of the stupid shit she is doing. (‘I left my psychology book at work and this paper is due…’) No I will not give her a ride, she can take the bus. Quit inconveniencing everyone just so you are satisfied. You don’t have a car, you find a way to get around, I am busy and you need to snap out of it.
Welcome to being a child of mine. I believe in the Fight Club Parenting way of life. You are not a unique fucking snowflake. I spent many, many, MANY years whining about life, I can hear it like a pin dropping in a sound studio sealed off from all noise, when I hear someone doing it. Ranting and getting things off your chest is one thing but being completely helpless like a T-Rex with tiny arms, flailing away, waiting for a life boat and two helicopters to rescue you DOES NOT FLY WITH ME.
You are where you are in life because some shit happened, some great stuff happened, nothing happened, whatever. You are here now. That’s it. Get over it. NOW WHAT? should be your only question. I will not come to her rescue in this enabling of her helplessness. She is in therapy, once a week, I told her to use it all up for all she can get. Her dad rescues her constantly and all I see is her victimizing herself right down the path I took. PLEASE RESCUE ME SOMEHOW…job/man/relationship/situation of the moment. I took the very hard, jaggedy edge of this road for a very long time and will pay for it for quite some time, thank you karma. I know this road. You are not a unique fucking snowflake, pack your shit and move on.
Fail at something, dip low, reach high, spill everything all over the place, eat carbs, add salt, trip at the ball while everyone is watching, splatter bbq sauce on your white shirt, NO ONE CARES.
By the time we got off the phone and she had disowned me twice, she was able to look at herself and really see just what was happening. It was crystal clear to her. She saw her own doing and her own stature. It was amazing. It was so simple. She is sad. It is ok to be sad. GO BE SAD. I told her. I don’t know what I’m doing. I don’t have a guideline for this. My only guideline is wanting her to be her best self. Not MY best self or the best self I THINK SHE SHOULD BE. But her own. She redeemed herself completely. I did not give her a ride.
I am going to Cannibal the Musical tonight with my son.
I am moving into my new abode Saturday. I GET TO UNPACK MY FUCKING SUITCASE. I am going to tiny job today, full time job all the rest of the week, doing hair on my own all day Sunday (My day ‘off’) and hopefully getting my brains fucked out by this Canadian Hockey player this weekend and then skipping down the yellow brick road into the eternal sunshine of my spotless life to carry on this torch of NEVER FORGET WHO YOU ARE.