Got Rid of the Suitcase

I changed my Gravitar.  I am no longer standing by that sweet lil’ ol’ suitcase!!  Now I am poised for fame and fortune.

ALSO – this person is super uber swamped and busy with some kind of wedding thingy that she’s in… SHE’S THE BRIDE TOMORROW!!!  Well anyhoo, we talked in REAL LIFE Y’ALLS!!  Me and Maggie of Someone Fat Happened fame.  Of course we fell madly in love with one another instantly and I told her all about my three hours of sex with my Ryan Gosling date and why my day and blog entry ‘I’m Scared’ was so sad and she told me about – well I don’t want to say if she doesn’t want to say – and Maggie – you can pop in here and add your 45 cents if you’d like!  But she was so damn sweet to reach out and talk on the phone to THIS crazy pants and I love her for that.  

She’ll be out here in Colorado (land of milk and honey and WEED)

in June and we are totally having a sleep over and pillow fights and getting drunk and smoking.  Cigarettes.  I go into a coma when I smoke pot…but my son informed me that they have many cool strains of the gange (a word NOT in spell check)  now and it is not like it was in the ‘old days’.  So I will try these new strains the kids are speaking of.

Maggie is having her DAY tomorrow.  So today she is HAVING A DAY.

Maggie is a beautiful princess!!!! *urp*

So glad we talked.  Wine will be drunk, and so will we!!!

 

Note From the Universe

I subscribed to an email service a while back that sends me positive thinking emails.  I first saw it on my Aunt Sally’s Facebook and thought they were awesome.  Its really fun to open my in box and see that I have a ‘Note from the Universe.’  Sometimes they are perfect and sometimes they are corny and dumb.  Just like anything I suppose.  

Actually when I was sitting at my job interview, I noticed an email printed out that was on the owners desk…it was a Note from the Universe.  I commented that I also receive Notes from the Universe and he was a little sad that we had infarct received the same note.  We are not unique snowflakes.  He didn’t know this.

So today I open up my email to this:

TUT… A Note from the Universe

 

Everyone’s scared, judy. Few carry on.  Keep calm,      The Universe

ummmmmmmmmmmm..weird.

Does the Universe read my blog?

 

cray cray.

I’m Just Going to Write My Guts Out

 

On the gurney of love.

Everything dissipates.

Into nothing.

Into ether.

Into everything.

Drink it up.

Breathe it in.

Smoke it.

It’s all we got.

 

============================

My daughter finished high school today.

Time for another breather.

We’ve come very far in 7 months.  It’s okay to not go full steam a head right now.  I’m going to see what happens with new job interview outcome, and slowly keep on with my cleaning biz.  And breathe, and write, and walk the park, and visit with friends. And write, and breathe, and walk, and write.

Fasten your seat belts lovers…its gonna be a bumpy ride.

I’ve been very protective in being Xena…now my little underbelly is going to show…

I Am Scared

I am.  I admit it.  I am not Xena Warrior Princess all the fucking time.

 

I know I act like it, but I’m not.  I act like it so no one will think I’m stupid or weak.  Comes from having to ‘read the room’ as a kid.  A self protection thing put in place in order to survive parents who put you down all the time.

And I am constantly putting myself in situations where I need to be SO FUCKING STRONG or I won’t make it.  For instance, I NEED A JOB…so I come off as this great worker.  Stuff like that.  Fake it til you make it attitude.  Today, after spending two days here in my friends apartment, I have misplaced my self in a sort of way; enough that I can see INTO something and stand outside of it.  Me.  I am a very sad, hurt person in there somewhere, my heart is truly broken into a million pieces if truth be told.  There is a lot of pain in there.  I can feel it when I am not distracting myself.

soooooooooooooooooooooooo…

Its okay.  I need to burn it off.  Feel it.  Let it boil over and fall out.  Holding it in isn’t working.  I was fucked over pretty hard MANY, MANY times, as many of us were, but one instance dramatically changed my inner self so much so that I was not the same person afterwards. And when I am not constantly busy, I AM SAD.

Still okay.

I am who I am now.  I totally get that.  But I totally get the path that got me here and the consequences of a lifetime of decision making.  I see it now.  I have no security in ANYTHING.  I’ve made it very clear to myself that I can survive anything, but I don’t want to survive anymore. 

I WANT TO LIVE.

JUST A  LIFE.  

This craziness would be great to stop.  I have put myself in constant change so as I am always fluctuating between success and failure like walking a tightrope.  What seems to be holding me back is the deep down feeling that I DON’T DESERVE to have a lot of the stable, secure things most people have.

So fuck that.

So what scares me is that I am in the middle of intrinsically changing this state of mind.  I DO DESERVE TO LIVE AND LIVE WELL.  I DESERVE SECURITY AND SAFETY AND WELL BEING.

I am having to change how I do things and how I make decisions and who I am at the outcome of all this.  And all of that depends on RIGHT NOW ALL THE TIME.  I’ve screwed up so much, that I’m almost afraid to make decisions.  To use a logical brain of someone WHO CARES ABOUT HERSELF, is new to me.

I’m on new ground.  That’s all.

It’s scary.

It’s very real.

No more hiding.  Being vulnerable is ok.  Being vulnerable and not victimy.  JUST BEING is okay.  Experiencing things as they happen is ok.  I don’t have to be in control of every little thing just so I don’t look weak.  It’s all okay.  

I am okay with where I stand right this second.

Oh, it will pass, hahahahaha, but for now, at this moment, I am scared.

A Quick Side Note: 28 years ago…

I am sitting at the restaurant, that 28 years ago I worked at, and met the Dire Straits dude at, waiting for my date who was born around the time I worked here.

I was working as a hostess at the time and we had to dress like this:

It really looked more like this:

  But it felt like this to me:

Because I was only 17 and it felt too ‘sexy.’

Anyhoo – I was a hostess and all these super cute English guys came into the restaurant and wanted to know where the bar was.  One of these super cute English guys looked just like Rod Stewart..well…young, crazy haired Rod.  And he was English   And cute.  And he came down from the bar a couple hours later and asked me if when I got off work would I like to come up and have a beer with him.  I did not want to tell him I was not old enough to drink.  So I told him I was not allowed to be in the bar in my uniform and I would have to go home and change but I’d love to have a beer with him.

I drove home like a maniac on speed and crack and diet coke, and started taking my clothes off before I even opened the front door.  I really did not have a change of clothes with me and I wasn’t going anywhere dressed like a mexican/whore/dancer/girl.  As I ran up the stairs, I was stripping and yelling to my parents, “I MET THIS GUY!!  WE ARE HAVING A BEER!!  I’M GOING OUT!!!  I DON’T KNOW WHEN I’LL BE HOME!!!”  And I left.  In the time it took me to spit out that sentence I changed my clothes, grabbed some shoes and was back out the door.

I met him back at Jose O’Sheas and suggested we go down the street for a beer.  I was just hoping I was not carded.  I had been buying liquor at liquor stores since I was 15 (to my demise) but sometimes it got foiled by the actual LAW and I got asked to show my ID.

I did not get ‘carded’ and ordered a drink no problemo.  We sat and drank at a bar and I went to his hotel room with him at the wee hours of the morning.  (My daughter is NOTHING like this.)  (I am 17 at this point and wouldn’t be 18 for four more months.)

Back in his room I met his naked friend.  Whom I loved dearly for years after that.  Whom met a tragic death of suffering a brain aneurysm whilst riding a bike.  He was a crazy nutball and I’d always hoped I’d go this way, Crazy, Quick and Painless.  Anyhoo, Dave was hiding behind the curtains, naked, and I could see his feet.  He had signaled to me that he was hiding behind the curtains and to not tell Chas…his friend…the cute English/Rod Stewart guy…that he was indeed hiding there.  I promised him mum was the word.  When Chas returned from the bathroom it was obvious a drunk naked guy was hiding behind the curtain but we played along as long as we could then Chas kicked him out.  I think we were always endeared to one another because of that meeting.  Meeting someone for the first time while naked, is always a plus in my book.  I loved Dave.  He ended up being the sound guy/tech/genius who built the drum kit for the Def Leppard drummer Rick Allen after he lost his arm.

One time Dave picked up a plant that was sitting at the front desk of Some Hotel Somewhere and threw it at the front desk clerk; who promptly ducked.  It beautifully smashed against the wall and went everywhere in tiny pieces.  I loved him even more after that.  We got our rooms.

One time we ordered bloody mary ingredients by the gallons from room service because the bar had closed and Dave mixed them in buckets and we drank from the buckets all night long.  I don’t even know what the tab for that was.  I don’t even think he was 38 before he died.  He lived the life of four people though.  He was awesome.  He had just had a little baby with his wife too.  It was so sad.

So I was reminiscing about this place.  About how old/young I was when all this happened.  About how I have never forgotten Dave.  How I was now sitting waiting for my date in this very same spot who was just born the year I worked here.  In a few weeks my daughter will graduate high school.  I will never hear her come home and say ‘Mom, I met this guy, he’s with a band, I’m going to Paris with him.  I’ll be gone for months.  I’ll write soon.’  She’s not that girl.  She’s ten times smarter than I ever will be.

Weird.  Life is a crazy place if you mix it just right.

Strip Down Fuckers We’re Doin a Cavity Search

I just wanted to say that.  Nobody’s doin a cavity search.  Although I did have a filling fall out about three years ago and now that tooth is gone.  So that happened.  I’m a hillbilly.  So here’s whats goin down.  I have an interview today for an office job -$15 an hour.  This company installs phone networks and he has about 4 employees and needs a project manager for everyone.  YET…my cleaning biz is blowing up and I got three new clients last week and three new inquiries this week asking me to come out and give a consult at their house.  So I have a choice to make.  Cleaning is super hard physical work but it is MINE on MY schedule and MY money.  To grow it I will have to get all businessy -licenses and insurance and stuff and pay taxes and figure out profit margins and shit…and I LOVE that stuff.  That’s why I’m always re-inventing myself.  I like it.

I’m gonna see what this guy has to offer.  Meanwhile, I am sitting in the sun on my laptop.  I’m a pale Irish girl and I have a few hours off.  I work the ice cream job this weekend, clean a couple houses this week, and I quit my salon job yesterday.  It was the least fruitful of them all.  I still cut hair at people’s homes, and did three of those this week too.  The owner was super cool, will give me good references and wants her house cleaned.  Quit a job, gain a job.

Broke up with BF.  Which was interesting.  He was holding on to some shitty stuff pretty hard…like the way  I ‘texted’ things…I wanted to talk in person…but…no.  When we finally did and went in circles over and over…I said we are obviously going in different directions and he held his hand out and said ‘KEY.’  He never did take accountability for his actions…well he did in a ‘tough titties’ kind of way, but in no way acknowledged that he excluded me completely out of his life.  So I gave him his key.  It was very simple.

So that happened.  We had fun…but I want different stuff…like a LIFE…and to socialize, and I don’t have any money but I go out and do something every week at least, I make new friends, I’m social, and I have my lounging in my underpants time as you all know.  Its called BALANCE.

I’m better off when I’m NOT in a RELATIONSHIP anyway.  Its that ‘twtterpated’ thing.  I get all distracted.  It keeps me from focusing on what I really NEED TO FOCUS ON.  I keep thinking I want one, but I don’t.  Everything has blown up too since this window opened.  People calling me, coming in, wanting hair cuts, cleanings, and DATES.

I have a hot date tonight!  Someone I dated late last year, who was also super fun…super NOT committed, he called me out of the blue. I am finding my feet in this world by not getting them tangled up in someone else’s net.  I’ve been in a net of some sort for most of my life.  Moved in with guys, engaged a few times, married a couple o times, when I meet someone I am instantly a GIRLFRIEND.  Fuck dat shit.  I feel like I lose power somehow when there is a penis involved.  It sucks energy from me instead of giving me energy.  The penis that is.

Tonight will be awesome…this dude is 17 years younger than me and super uber smart and cute.  We have great dates and he goes home and I go home.  It’s awesome.  Just the speed I need.  I’ve never even seen his place or any people in his life.  Its our dates, some beer, some food, we fuck, we laugh, we watch movies and no one is deceived.  We enjoy each other’s company and we know this.  We are very different from each other personality wise…he is very methodical and planned out in his ways and I am very sporadic and anything goes.  And we like that about the other person.

Could I live with him?  WHO GIVES A FUCK? I’M DATING.  Back on the track I was on originally.  Where my focus in on me, I stay focused, I have fun, talk and laugh with other humans, but stay on my track. We always have great conversations on our dates and it helps he goes to the gym daily and looks like Ryan Gosling.  

In other news…I ate bacon this morning and am offsetting it by drinking green tea.

Mother’s day was awesome…I will post the film we made for my daughter’s final for her film class.  My son, and I and her friend and her friend’s parents helped.  Its very funny.  It’s about two girls who have watched way too many Disney movies and think they are really a princess and a mermaid.  But its in present day, and there are confessionals, a prince charming, and my daughter combs her hair with a fork.  I can’t wait to see it edited.  What a great concept.  She rocks.

My son ordered a giant margarita, then promptly turned bright red in hives and fell asleep in the car.  So I’m up for Mom of the Year again – 21 years in a row!!!  I hope I win this year.  Fingers crossed.

I auditioned and MADE IT TO A  NEW IMPROV TEAM!!!!  It’s a house team for Voodoo Comedy Playhouse wooo hooo…my coach is someone I have admired for about  a year…he rocks at improv and I can’t wait…we have a couple shows a month and rehearsals on Saturdays.

Sending love to the masses!!!!  (All six of you.)

A Day in the Life

I know in this blog I sound crazy, wound up and chaotic.  But yesterday I lounged for about 9 hours.  Went and drove the new vehicle for the Ice Cream Job…which was FRIGGIN FUN. Realizing that this company is growing like crazy, they need regular peeps to go on shifts, they want people who want to learn more and do more as they grow and this silly ‘side job’ could actually be something.

Grocery shopped, Cheap Cheap Cheap Mexican Grocery…only $50 for a cart full of mostly fruits and vegetables.  Cleaned out the fridge, read a book on the patio, watched several episodes of  Saving Grace w/ Holly Hunter on Netflix,  I painted my nails.  I did a facial.  I had the whole day to myself, then shared some beers with new roommate and we watched Game of Thrones together and ate cupcakes and ranch dip with tortilla chips.  Ah, the thug life.

My other roommate actually introduced the idea to me of bringing on an employee for myself to clean houses with.  DIDN’T I TELL YOU I WANTED TO DO THIS???  He knows someone who cleans who needs a job.  I could take on more work.  With another person.  And make money still.  hmmmmmmmmmmmm.

I have my interview at the nearby place…which is probably $8.00 an hour…but it would be a regular paycheck and working in a cool place that has much potential.  Its just an interview, but today I am anxious about what COULD happen.  WHAT IF.  WHAT SHOULD I DO IF I GET IT.  So I pretty much want to throw up.  

I’ve been letting circumstances rule my life instead of me MAKING THE CIRCUMSTANCES take place…as far as jobs go.  I found a place to live, I have brought in enough income to BARELY live, but I’ve made that happen at least.  I found a job doing hair in the pinnacle of mecca of salons; but only make about $300 a month there.  I created a cleaning job that is growing like crazy and I have three new clients in the last month.  Possibly able to bring on help.  Should I have faith that these things will grow?  I’ve never really committed to myself.  I’ve always put myself into vicarious situations that I have to get out of.  This is real.  This is solid ground I am on right now and it is foreign to me.

I’m just going to go to the cleaning job, blow them away with my mad Renegade cleaning skillz, go to the interview and see what’s up there and just drink it all in.  It may be awful.  I may not pass a background check, which makes me really super sick to my stomach that that THING has potentially ruined my life for fucking ever.  It hurts me.  To this day, no matter how high I hold my head, no matter how many people tell me I’m a hero and that I did the right thing, it won’t leave my record.  It always makes me sick and it always, always, always breaks my heart into pieces.  I know THIS is the book I need to write…THIS is the story I need to tell, but I can’t do it.  So I drink and laugh and sit with the devil on my sofa.  Keeping it all at bay.  Watching and seeing what happens.  I build castles just so I can kick them over before any one else can.  What the fuck is a girl to do?  She reinvents herself endlessly, that’s what she does.

I will come home today and have a lot to think about.

I so enjoy you guys coming in here.  It means so much to me.

This is Grace’s angel, from the show ‘Saving Grace’ – I think MY angel may be a one eyed drunk pirate…but I’ll take him.

 

Careful What You Wish For

Well, I talked to my son.  He called.  It was wonderful.  I feel a bit stifled in here now as BF read my blog and got pissed.  Oh well.  I have not held anything back from him, I guess he can be pissed.  But now it feels weird writing in here and I RESENT that.

Talking to Son was great!  We talked for a while.  He’s hitting the stand up scene pretty good now.  I’m proud of him.  And since I know my kids NEVER read this – EX texted me that my daughter is getting a scholarship from her high school and its a surprise for some reason.  $400 anyhoo.  YAY!  I read that and started crying.  She’s had a shit year but a life changing year as well, for the better I’d say.  It just hit me that its been a really hard year, we’ve been through a lot, and good things are coming for her.  I was cleaning a house when I got this text and just burst into tears. Kinda off guard. Its been an overwhelming year.  It all just jumped out in that text for some reason.  I’m so proud of her and part of me is also realizing she is growing up fast, going to New York soon, and going to do her thing.  Its scary and wonderful all at once.

I have an interview Monday for a PAYCHECK JOB, that I don’t want to mention, just to keep it mum.  When I put things into motion that is usually what takes place…MOTION. Its an interview, I will see whats up with hours and pay…but I could WALK THERE.  ITS IN ONE OF MY FAVE PLACES.  Anyhoo…I also have a new cleaning that day. And improv class that night if I want.

I might be able to work AND clean AND do hair…I don’t know.  Sitting around making $100 a week at hair might be worth keeping and building and fighting for if I have this as back up.  Right now I don’t have any back up so all my income is hand to mouth and it sucks.  I need something stable so we’ll see.

I’m working Ice Cream truck shifts tomorrow and Sunday. So busy weekend ahead.

Life moves on.

Strap yourself in kids…its gonna be a bumpy ride.

More Of THE Book I Am Writing

Here is another excerpt from my dating book project.  I’ve been working on this for the last couple of years, and each time I think I’m done, I add another chapter.  Enjoy…

____________________________________________________________________

I am the Man Whisperer.

It dawned on me today, this is what I have been doing.  In my dating escapades of the last 14 years, this is what I have become.  Although I used to be embarrassed that my dating career spanned over a decade, I realize now I am the poster child of NOT SETTLING and this is nothing to be ashamed of.  Settling is the bane of most relationship’s complete existence.  Settling is what you see at a restaurant when the couple stares at the tablecloth in pain from sitting across from the person they resemble more than they respect.  Their ghost like expressions often show up at the grocery store, in the car together in traffic and probably at home in bed if truth be told.  Stick to your guns is my advice and don’t become a ghost.

Back to the Man Whisperer theory; it dawned on me that I have been using this skill and unknowingly fulfilled something very important in most of the men I have dated.  I am the person who shows the man I am dating, what is truly important to him; I awaken in him some long forgotten or un realized self. I listen, touch, feel, and respond to him in such a way and become an entire experience for them, not just a girl they are seeing. These men realize, after being in a relationship with me, (and I use the term ‘relationship’ lightly) and some of them realize while still in it, what it is in life they truly want.  Maybe its to build a boat and hit the open seas, maybe its build a house with their bare hands or be an artist, or get back with their wife, get married, (not to me) not ever get married and move to Europe, become a wonderful person, (this happens usually after we break up) get their complete lazy ass shit together, (also happens after we break up) start a budget, restrict calorie intake, stay home on weekdays, become a Whatever-It-Is-They-Need-To-Go-Back-To-School-And-Become and whatever these tasks are, they do not involve me directly.  I am directly only the catalylist for this transformation and that is my role.  The main crux of the deal is that I drove it, but I am not the end result.  It is not ME they actually want, it is the self they become while with me that is more desired.

Sometimes the battle scars are worn afterwards and we continue to date.  Very rarely.  They have become someone they were not initially.  Such as, if I am drawn to their artistic side, they become industrious and bland and full of rules.  If I am drawn to their hard working side they become full of vodka and unruliness.  They quit jobs, take on other jobs that are completely out of the realm of the person I was attracted to to begin with.  It is akin to the lovely Jane Eyre character I admire so, that when after Rochester is a completely broken, burned up, eyes gorged out man, he is finally worthy of her.  I’ve tried to stay after this transformation as I appreciate change like no other, but the relationship and the balance of me never fits after this.

I also see how I am like the Charlize Theron character in the movie ‘Sweet November’.  In that movie, her character chooses to live with someone for a month, and consequently change their life forever in doing so as she is so free spirited (and by the way she is friggin’ Charlize Theron) these men open up and find themselves and eventually move on.  In the mean time she’s had amazing sex, fun adventures and she’s dying so she’s happy to have every day.  Isn’t that the typical Hollywood bullshit?  THE STRONG FEMALE CHARACTER IS OF COURSE, DYING.  We can’t have a woman that strong and that assured of herself for no reason; penises everywhere would shrink up at the mere thought of being in an actual relationship with a woman who knows what she wants and is completely fearless with her life.

This is what changed the face of this whole dating thing for me.  I have found who I AM, I no longer want to provide this service for others.  I want to BE IT for myself.  After a year of trying to live my Rules Experiment wherein after fighting the idea since I first read the book in 1998, I followed the rules, as well as I could. You mean to tell me I have to sit at home? TILL SOMEONE ASKS ME OUT? THREE DAYS IN ADVANCE???? Well that didn’t fit my drunk and debauched lifestyle. So I have been breaking every rule consistently, since then.  The book:  ’The Rules – Time-tested Secrets for Capturing the Heart of Mr. Right’ was repurchased recently in order to carry on this experiment that what I was doing wasn’t working, so maybe this book actually works.  Me, whore of the century,  daredevil of all women daters, girl who left home at eighteen to travel around the world with a rock and roll band, Ms. Jump Off Of Every Cliff And Live To Tell About it, I jumped off of this one. I read ‘The Rules’ thirteen years ago and threw it across the room, re-purchased it and threw it out again then decided after a decade and a half to try and follow these rules for one year, write about it and see what happens.

Well here I am, in my newly un-debauched lifestyle, all proud and happy and thin(ner).  I had a bit of a life revelation while inside of the year long experiment and I moved in with a boyfriend after two months of dating him.  (Ultimate Rule Breaker, page 72.)  I had a bit of another life revelation inside of THAT and packed a suitcase, left him and moved to the city with $20 to my name.  I GET IT NOW.

My kids are awesome young adults now and I’m older, I’m fun, confident and mostly sober and I want to find a nice guy. Or maybe I don’t.  Because in trying my whole life to find a nice guy, I found ME.  The rules to dating are, there are no rules.  YOUR rules are the rules.  Another thing I discovered is: the first rule is you (don’t talk about dating…just kidding.  Had to reference my favorite movie.) have to be willing to be 100% completely honest with yourself, because until then,  prince charming ain’t coming.

Live your life.  Make your rules.  For YOU.  Do you want to find a husband?  Do you want a friend with benefits?  Do you just want to get laid? Do you want to settle down?  Do you enjoy being the catalyst of change?  What do you want?  What do you really, really want?  What does your soul cry out for?  Figure that out, for reals, then you can date.

This book is what I would like to think of as the combination of Bridget Jones and Anthony Bourdain.  With Anthony Bourdain’s mouth and expertise and Bridget’s vulnerability and dating diaries. They meet in the middle and talk shit about life while they drink and smoke.  This is ‘The Rules with BALLS’.

Enjoy.

____________________________________________________________________

Zombie Bonita

My daughter’s high school final…yay!! And I get to be a ZOMBIE in my mom pants!!