Here is another excerpt from my dating book project. I’ve been working on this for the last couple of years, and each time I think I’m done, I add another chapter. Enjoy…
I am the Man Whisperer.
It dawned on me today, this is what I have been doing. In my dating escapades of the last 14 years, this is what I have become. Although I used to be embarrassed that my dating career spanned over a decade, I realize now I am the poster child of NOT SETTLING and this is nothing to be ashamed of. Settling is the bane of most relationship’s complete existence. Settling is what you see at a restaurant when the couple stares at the tablecloth in pain from sitting across from the person they resemble more than they respect. Their ghost like expressions often show up at the grocery store, in the car together in traffic and probably at home in bed if truth be told. Stick to your guns is my advice and don’t become a ghost.
Back to the Man Whisperer theory; it dawned on me that I have been using this skill and unknowingly fulfilled something very important in most of the men I have dated. I am the person who shows the man I am dating, what is truly important to him; I awaken in him some long forgotten or un realized self. I listen, touch, feel, and respond to him in such a way and become an entire experience for them, not just a girl they are seeing. These men realize, after being in a relationship with me, (and I use the term ‘relationship’ lightly) and some of them realize while still in it, what it is in life they truly want. Maybe its to build a boat and hit the open seas, maybe its build a house with their bare hands or be an artist, or get back with their wife, get married, (not to me) not ever get married and move to Europe, become a wonderful person, (this happens usually after we break up) get their complete lazy ass shit together, (also happens after we break up) start a budget, restrict calorie intake, stay home on weekdays, become a Whatever-It-Is-They-Need-To-Go-Back-To-School-And-Become and whatever these tasks are, they do not involve me directly. I am directly only the catalylist for this transformation and that is my role. The main crux of the deal is that I drove it, but I am not the end result. It is not ME they actually want, it is the self they become while with me that is more desired.
Sometimes the battle scars are worn afterwards and we continue to date. Very rarely. They have become someone they were not initially. Such as, if I am drawn to their artistic side, they become industrious and bland and full of rules. If I am drawn to their hard working side they become full of vodka and unruliness. They quit jobs, take on other jobs that are completely out of the realm of the person I was attracted to to begin with. It is akin to the lovely Jane Eyre character I admire so, that when after Rochester is a completely broken, burned up, eyes gorged out man, he is finally worthy of her. I’ve tried to stay after this transformation as I appreciate change like no other, but the relationship and the balance of me never fits after this.
I also see how I am like the Charlize Theron character in the movie ‘Sweet November’. In that movie, her character chooses to live with someone for a month, and consequently change their life forever in doing so as she is so free spirited (and by the way she is friggin’ Charlize Theron) these men open up and find themselves and eventually move on. In the mean time she’s had amazing sex, fun adventures and she’s dying so she’s happy to have every day. Isn’t that the typical Hollywood bullshit? THE STRONG FEMALE CHARACTER IS OF COURSE, DYING. We can’t have a woman that strong and that assured of herself for no reason; penises everywhere would shrink up at the mere thought of being in an actual relationship with a woman who knows what she wants and is completely fearless with her life.
This is what changed the face of this whole dating thing for me. I have found who I AM, I no longer want to provide this service for others. I want to BE IT for myself. After a year of trying to live my Rules Experiment wherein after fighting the idea since I first read the book in 1998, I followed the rules, as well as I could. You mean to tell me I have to sit at home? TILL SOMEONE ASKS ME OUT? THREE DAYS IN ADVANCE???? Well that didn’t fit my drunk and debauched lifestyle. So I have been breaking every rule consistently, since then. The book: ’The Rules – Time-tested Secrets for Capturing the Heart of Mr. Right’ was repurchased recently in order to carry on this experiment that what I was doing wasn’t working, so maybe this book actually works. Me, whore of the century, daredevil of all women daters, girl who left home at eighteen to travel around the world with a rock and roll band, Ms. Jump Off Of Every Cliff And Live To Tell About it, I jumped off of this one. I read ‘The Rules’ thirteen years ago and threw it across the room, re-purchased it and threw it out again then decided after a decade and a half to try and follow these rules for one year, write about it and see what happens.
Well here I am, in my newly un-debauched lifestyle, all proud and happy and thin(ner). I had a bit of a life revelation while inside of the year long experiment and I moved in with a boyfriend after two months of dating him. (Ultimate Rule Breaker, page 72.) I had a bit of another life revelation inside of THAT and packed a suitcase, left him and moved to the city with $20 to my name. I GET IT NOW.
My kids are awesome young adults now and I’m older, I’m fun, confident and mostly sober and I want to find a nice guy. Or maybe I don’t. Because in trying my whole life to find a nice guy, I found ME. The rules to dating are, there are no rules. YOUR rules are the rules. Another thing I discovered is: the first rule is you (don’t talk about dating…just kidding. Had to reference my favorite movie.) have to be willing to be 100% completely honest with yourself, because until then, prince charming ain’t coming.
Live your life. Make your rules. For YOU. Do you want to find a husband? Do you want a friend with benefits? Do you just want to get laid? Do you want to settle down? Do you enjoy being the catalyst of change? What do you want? What do you really, really want? What does your soul cry out for? Figure that out, for reals, then you can date.
This book is what I would like to think of as the combination of Bridget Jones and Anthony Bourdain. With Anthony Bourdain’s mouth and expertise and Bridget’s vulnerability and dating diaries. They meet in the middle and talk shit about life while they drink and smoke. This is ‘The Rules with BALLS’.